Mr
Ruto, Mr Uhuru, how are you best buds doing? No need to cringe this is a nice
letter. In fact to kick it off, have a high-five, heck have two.
Don't
you simply marvel at the sheer myopia of all of us? Tell me, how often do the
two of you kick back with a whiskey and laugh your asses off every time you
pick-up the paper, go through social media sites or watch the news.
Your
ribs must be aching from laughing and I say to that - more power to you. The
two of you know and I know and in fact we all know, that you have no business
talking about the presidency or even the elections of this country at all.
But
look at the number of ways we are willing to crash and burn with you? Allow me
to itemise the ways in which I applaud you. I refuse to pretend that you're not
doing well.
I have
said this often enough on my show - you guys know exactly what you want - the
rest of us are clueless and even if we know, we are too daft, too myopic and
too pretentious to say or do anything.
In
years to come, you two will form the content of political debates in university
campuses from here to Yale. You will be celebrated, in fact right now, if the
world wasn't still focused on Hurricane Sandy, Obama's Four More years and
poor, poor David Petraeus, every international journalist would be here talking
to you, covering you.
As a
tag-team, you are the stuff of urban myths and legend. Allow me this morning to
sing your praises:
1. Your
sense of entitlement knows no bounds. Not only do you believe you ought to be
sitting in the big house, you don't believe anyone else has the capacity or
even brains to do so.
Apparently,
only the two of you and your ilk have the right to the "good life"
while the rest of us need to go to the ballot and cast our vote in your favour,
or else....
The
fact that your utterances and attitude smack of the worst sort of entitlement
and arrogance means nothing to most if not all Kenyans.
They
are lining up like groupies at a pop concert to see or be seen to be with you.
These people don't even believe they are entitled to a better life, nor are
their children, in fact perish the thought.
Have
you noticed how Kenyans don't seem to think they deserve better than you two? A
master stroke on your part. Well done.
2. The
fact that you have already decided the election and in fact I do recall you
have even decided how many seats you want and should get. It's another award
winning reason to cheer you on - and loudly.
Can you
believe it? You actually, bluntly and oh so arrogantly have decided how the
election must and should go, even before we have registered as voters and in
fact, for you, we are wasting time even going to all that trouble - is another
reason I personally must applaud you.
Mr
Ruto, I recall reading you saying you must be given half. It's like a kid who
asks for the i-Phone 5 for Christmas, well aware that his folks have lost their
jobs and are about to be evicted from their home. The sheer gall of it must be
admired.
3. Have
you noticed how every lame politician who's clearly aware that their chances of
ever being re-elected even on a village school board is running around yelling
TNA?
Uhuru,
creating this party was genius on your part. You have enough pets on a leash to
do everything and anything including lick your tyres if you asked them to.
The
most desperate, most fickle, most yellow bellied of the lot is lining up to
lick your boots because they need campaign financing and they know on any other
ticket - they'd need to work - on your ticket, they are hoping to ride a wave.
Be wary of this lot though - they would sell their own children.
Two
things- keep welcoming them and keep tabs on how much you give them and ensure
you make them pay it back with interest. Remember Matiba?
Don't
let them use you as a financial tap and abandon you - because they will. But so
far - well done. You have grown men and women idolising you in the same manner
a 22-year-old feels about Lil' Wayne. Let me hear you say "ah yeah".
4. You
have to tell me the secret of how you have managed to hoodwink the traditional
and social media into becoming your campaign tool - and positively so.
What
Rasna Warah said about an apocalypse for Kenya is very true. Have you noticed
how this article hasn't gone viral, yet rubbish like who's moving jobs between
NTV and KTN is the talk of town?
Have
you noticed how none of the other truly "big independent" columnists
have bothered to lend their voice to hers? In fact they act like the mere
notion doesn't exist.
How
much? I'm asking because, if you're dishing it out, it must be mind-numbing
amounts of cash that the media are willing to watch you attempt to send us all
down dung creek without a gas mask.
If it
isn't chums then it's witchcraft because there's no way you can tell me that
media are so vacuous, so daft we haven't understood that telling the people of
Kenya what the stakes are is our mandate.
After
all - Kenya is an ongoing concern and the sun doesn't rise and go down at your
command. Anyhow - cash or witchcraft - bravo.
The
Fourth Estate is your mouthpiece for the asking and that is commendable. Peter
Kenneth is buying and paying for ads - you are getting anywhere between
2million to 5million shilling worth of space daily - for free! Come on!! That
is skill.
5.
Lastly, I must say that the sheer prowess and stealth with which you have
managed to silence industry captains and every Kenyan who works for a living -
people who have massive investments on the line and even the young men or women
who just started their own businesses, or jobs.
People
who have children to feed and educate, the student who will graduate and start
looking for a job and has dreams of a future - what you have done to ensure
none of these people is speaking out about the fallacy of a possible repeat of
2007/8 - is jaw-dropping.
Between
the three of us (me and the two of you), you won't believe how many of them are
wailing in the clubs and fancy 5 star restaurants, bars and even chama meetings
about decreased business, shoddy occupancy in our hotels, slow business and
their own investments fears should you be elected in 2013.
These
yellow-bellied characters who lost close to everything in 2008 and watched as
you picked yourselves up like nothing happened, are now sitting hand in head
yakking about "what's going to happen?"
Can you
believe it? They have the sheer might to remind the electorate that a repeat or
escalation of 2007/8 is not an option.
They
have the vested interest and the critical mass (there's only two of you for
heaven's sake) to go all out and remind Kenyans that we owe it to ourselves and
our needs to be selfish about our future.
But
noooo - I have a feeling a few of them are seeing you by night (wink, wink)
well once again - good on you. I don't know how the people who have everything
to lose and nothing to gain by your continued stirring of tribal emotions and
wishy-washy coalition and alliance talks are letting you get away with it, but
they are.
Man!
Hats off to you! Gentlemen, this is not tongue-in-cheek, I applaud you. So the
next time you meet up for a drink, raise a glass to me. I have no beef with you
whatsoever.
You
know what you want and you're going for it - the rest of us don't know and that
includes the other presidential aspirants.
They're
also watching you. The two of you are a class act and anyone who claims not be
as amazed as I am is either a liar or a fool.
